Category Archives: Fear & Doubt

Fear & Doubt

Through the Glass Darkly

I am finally getting a chance to focus on my imagery.   It feels like focus has always been an issue with me.   Those that know me will say I am prone to distraction.   I have so much diversity in my life and have become a master of multitasking.   I have so many passions and directions I am drawn and dabble in a lot of different things.  I am good at whatever it is I take on, but have a hard time making a commitment to just one thing.   I love landscaping and being outside and working in the earth, I actually make money at this, but it’s only seasonal.   I love to cook and create amazing foods, I always wanted to go to cooking school, but could never afford it.  Unfortunately I do not make money at this.  I am passionate about live theater and the process of collaborative creation.  I did make money at this and found it was the prefect balance of my right brain/left brain activity.   This was one thing I was very good at but didn’t like constantly being on the road and scrambling for work. Recently I did a make-over of my studio; well actually a takeover, a complete reinvention of the space.  I designed it, build it, even did the wiring.   I didn’t realize what a creative process building actually was.   I also work for UPS part-time in the evenings and surprisingly love this as well.   I am what’s called the system’s operations manager; bringing the drivers in from the end of their days, linking their data, solving issues that may have come up, and closing out their payroll.    It’s a constant challenge and is ever changing as I am allowed to come up with innovative ways to look at problems and streamlined my process. It’s surprisingly more creative then you would imagine.   I defiantly make money at this. You could say I live and survive on a life of being creative. To do it in Montana is truly a feat in and of itself.  To epitomize the core of myself: to be curious and always explore, to grow and learn, and to constantly challenge myself.

Photography is one of my greatest challenges.  I feel a passion deep within me to express and explore my identity with it.   But it brings a lot of self-doubt.   As I am constantly questioning  if I have what it takes to make a go of it.  It seems the world is changing and everyone has become a photographer or knows a photographer. Sustainable work in this field seems to become more and more scarce because people can do it themselves and don’t need to hire someone anymore.  The new technology makes everyone capable of taking a decent image.  Now there is so much competition.   I have tried every way possible to get myself out there.  Thrown lots of money at advertising but only gained a marginal return.  Some times I make money at it, sometimes I don’t, more often don’t, hence the need for all the other distractions which I actually do need to sustain me.  As I get older, it seems to get more complicated and more difficult.  Landscaping takes a greater toll on my body.  I think for most people life gets easier as they get older, for creative people life does not, it’s a constant struggle.   Living in and being from Montana seems to be equally challenging.  No one here knows my work and what I do.  I have suppressed what I am really passionate about, photographing nude men.   I have been creating many of the images that are about to emerge from this project for years in total solitude. Something here; something there; always deconstructing my own life and examining it for truths about my own existence and meaning.  I have lived the life I have always wanted, done the things I have desired, visited the places that captivated me, been fearless.   Well there it is, I am finally getting to the core of what I want and need.

So here it is, facing my greatest fear and putting aside all the anxiety, exposing myself for the entire world to see and judge.  Several years back I was diagnosed with Lymphoma and spent a summer under going chemotherapy; it scared the bee-jesus out of me and somehow put my life into hyper-drive, to overachieve, to find meaning.   Suddenly, last fall I began realized I needed to stop and and find a focus.  I now know photography needs to be that focus because it has the greatest meaning to me.  I also know this is going to be a painful process for me.  I am going to have to sacrifice to see this though.  The concept of this project is going to be my greatest challenge yet.  This is what I have always wanted, time will only tell if I am actually any good at it or not, but it’s time to go for the brass ring.   It’s time to reach for what has always seemed unobtainable and hopefully get recognized and actually make a living doing this type of work.   I am facing my fears of rejection and self-denial to put it all on the line. I give myself one year to make it all happen.

Wraith of anti-homoerotic gods!?!?!

Wrath of the techno gods!!!!   For some reason I have been in technology limbo for the past couple of days.  Sunday as I was beginning this blog and uploading the first entry onto the internet my laptop, that I do all my writing, research, and finances on suddenly crashed.  I just barely got the text up when bam! The laptop, a Mac Book Pro that I have had for 8 years, which has been my constant companion, has now been in the shop for the past 24 hours awaiting the final verdict. And yesterday I finally received the call from Computer ER to inform me the disc drive was non functioning and the data on it not recoverable.   OK so when was the last time I backed the damn thing up…January of last year!  My fault!  You would think a man who deals with technology for a living should know better!  My main work computer I use to do all my image filing and processing on is backed up, by three different sources, in three different locations. One on a 2nd built in hard drive on the same computer, one in the loft on the other side of the studio, and one an external hard drive I can remove and take off site that I keep in a fire safe.  So I am not totally a bonehead when it comes to this technology.   But this has totally put a damper in my workflow the past couple of days.   I feel like I have lost a dear friend who knows all my deepest secrets.

I have set this time aside to begin working on this project, to open my life and begin sharing myself as a photographer of homoerotic art.  I now have to question; is there some cosmic force that is trying to stop me, that possibly thinks what I am doing in wrong or immoral?   I feel this is the first time I have ever attempted such an endeavor, have planned, noted,  journal, and saved money to have this time in particular to focus on myself and my images.

When I began photography, it was simpler.  It was about a box that could contain light, a lens that could focus and channel that light, and a strong desire to see how the universe would avail itself to me.  I put everything into photography.  My days were filled with wonder, observing the world around me. Watching and waiting for the light to change.  Recording movement of time, movement of space, becoming familiar with this concept of recording how I saw my world and my connection to it,  fitting it all into the constrains of a single frame. I had to develop a relationship with the space and the light and look at it from a lot of angles and possibilities.  It was a total exploration. Film (the actual stuff with light sensitive emulsion)  was expensive and the processing of it ate up lots of time forcing  me to really think about what I wanted to say with as few frames a possible.   I used to carry a cardboard frame with my cameras aspect ratio cut into it that I could pull out, hold up and look through and compose my shots before even pulling out my camera.   But now, with the age of digital, I can shoot a thousand images of the same subject just to get the one that works into my sensibility of style, weight, and balance.  It’s now quite extraordinary to work in such a way.  It’s incredible to explore so many possibilities.  Now when I bring a model in, I focus on my interaction with my stubject; the camera just becomes an extension of that interaction.  It’s almost like the camera isn’t there anymore.  The models relax, let themselves become comfortable and secure, and the session always seems to be over just as we are getting started.   I love this response.   I think it’s what gives my images such a provocative edge.  I often shoot for an hour or two and will walk away with 1200 possibilities. My style has definitely developed and is recognizable.  I have shot a lot of images for profiles used on Manhunt and though my name is not attached to the image, people often come to me and say, oh you’re working with so and so. To me this is extraordinary.

One of my passions is shooting classic art.   A perfect day to me is going to the Metropolitan Museum in New York and shooting the classic Greek and Roman statuary.  You may think this sounds kind of static, well it isn’t!  You begin to develop a relationship with an inanimate piece of stone.  This statue of Ugolino and His Sons by the French sculptor Jean-Baptise Careaux captivated me.  At the time I probably spent a good hour trying to capture and understand my relationship between it and my own imagery.  Today Ugolino’s expression, waiting in Dante’s ninth circle of hell, captures the essence of my own angst and feeling of my techno blundering and points a middle finger toward the gods who dare to impede or deny my creative quest.

The Project Begins

It always excites me to begin a new year.  I spent a good portion of yesterday doing my annual year-end summary, which I have done since I was a kid.  New Year’s morning I like to spend a couple of hours writing several pages about everything I had accomplished through out the course of the previous year.  It brings into focus all the amazing accomplishments I have achieved though out the year and reminds me of weakness I would still like to work toward overcoming. Last year was brutal, I began the year engaged in an application process for a job I was absolutely perfect for which would have ensured me a life of security.  But mid year, when the job finally opened I was passed over which forced me into a painful introspective look at myself.  I began to look outside of myself, which lead to year of amazing new discoveries and getting back in touch with a side of myself I had lost since undergoing treatment for cancer four years earlier.  So what started as a painful process became a year to reclaim myself.  I am an incredibly talented guy who’s weakness is my inability to promote myself.  No one knows about me as I struggling to survive and keep my head above the water.  I see it is now time to change all that.  My focus and energy this year is going to be about creating a public image of myself as an artist. Yesterday I took the first step by building a Facebook page that will feature my artistry as a photographer, but today’s focus was to create a new self-portrait.  It is time I really take a look at who I am at this stage of my life. I find self-portraits the hardest type of image to  create. It’s difficult for most of us to look at ourselves and examine who we really are with out being overly critical. The self-portrait isn’t merely a snap shot of ones likeness; it is a mirror of ones ideals, emerging style, and perspective. It needs to capture the essence of how we relate ourselves to our work. It’s far easier to photograph someone else as  a subject, because you can see their personalities emerge and draw it out of them, coach them into the best light. But most of us have a hard time seeing who we actually are and therefore want to project what it is we think we want to be or become.
I have therefore conceived of this idea to present a new image everyday of my artistry and write something about who I am,  how I have lived my life, and what  has led me to this moment.   I now commit myself to somehow create a chronicle, everyday, for an entire year;  to examine and expose myself and reveal my own journey with complete candor, honesty and truth no mater how painful.  To create an odyssey of  one man’s exploration in finding himself and his search for light, beauty, desire and art.