I sometimes see a man on the street and I am instantly attracted to him. I am not always sure what that attraction is, but it is like a magnet that draws me to him. I want to walk up and ask, “Can I photograph you?” but most of the time I am too intimidated to approach someone else because they might think I am gay or a sex starved psycho. I am neither but in my head it’s still awkward. I have been trying to build a strong enough portfolio of images and boost my self-confidence to make it happen, but I am often still afraid. I am not always looking for the naked man and seldom question what someone would look like nude. To me it is all about the allure of a presence, probably more psychological than physical. In my youth I was not always comfortable with my physical self and felt I was socially awkward. It took decades for me to get to the place where I could become comfortable in my own skin. I don’t have a set body type or particular look I am drawn to, typically it is a shape or movement or look in their face or eyes. I always stare and question “Who is this person, really, and why am I drawn to them at this moment?” Sometimes it’s just something they are wearing. I am often drawn to colors, and love textures; when they have put it all together and it’s working for them. For instance: dark messy hair, dark eyes, green shirt, rough worn clothing that they are completely comfortable wearing, and you know in a glance they are genuinely themselves, organically so. Perhaps this is my desire to see this within myself. There are so many people out there that would make really interesting subjects that are completely unaware of the beauty hidden within. There are so many people just not interested in knowing this information about themselves. But I think there is a locked within each of us that yearns to be recognized or at least appreciated.

“I have what might sound like a silly question to you, but could you please tell me what you mean when you say you use strobe for lighting? I have noticed the pieces of your work I tend to like the most have that. Marklin”

No that’s fine, perhaps I should explain it in one of my posts. It’s totally commercial produced light that is fired from a power pack into strobe heads, like flash, but you can sync an entire room of light. I then use a variety of filters to control and refine the light to create the quality in the pictures. My studio is equipped with a large variety of shapes and sizes of heads to change and control the light. Some are soft filters, like soft boxes, some of them are harsher. A soft box being a collapsible tent like box sometimes as large as a full body or very small to create a back halo head light, bouncing the light off soft fabrics inside and create a warm soft glow to the outside. I often use grids that fit inside the lights, and create the light to take on a certain quality or property. These are shaped like a honeycomb inside and channel the light from broad to narrow beams that become like the brush of a painter, but only with light. I use strobe packs with independent channels for the lights that I am able to dial in the exact settings I want in the image and typically do a lot of testing to get the balance exactly where I want it to all fall. I will often use what called a scrim; a piece of material stretched on a frame that light is filtered through to create a very soft effect. Often times my studio become a maze of obstacles that you must weave through to get to the shooting area. I hardly ever retouch an image or manipulate it and try to create it with the light and set up. I generally set up a broad enough lighting scheme that it allows the subject to move about and be completely organic. I only direct them psychologically and make them aware of the light and how it will fall on their skin. The subject and I end up doing a lot of testing before we actually begin shooting. It’s the kind of get acquainted portion of the shoot where we develop a vocabulary of light, testing each other. It’s the part of the process I love the most. I began work in theater and fell in love with light there, and actually have equipped my studio with this hot (meaning always on) lighting as well. It is very much the same, but in the studio you have much better control. I have also designed my studio with a large bank of windows that face out into the garden and skylights facing the northern pitch of the sky, so there is no harsh direct light into the studio, but just a beautiful natural glow. If heaven is depicted as a move into a brilliant beautiful light then I am already there. I hope that helps, sorry I am a bit long winded when it comes to photography, thanks for asking.

About a week after my newfound love was beginning to settle we went to see a movie that had just come out: MAKING LOVE. It was the first movie about gay people to hit mainstream cinema that portrayed gay love in a somewhat realistic light. It had such an emotional impact on me I was overwhelmed with all kinds of feelings, most of them not so good. In the movie a doctor, who is married, discovers that he has a strong attraction to a young writer who can’t seem to connect to anyone emotionally. It goes exactly as predicted; the doctor falls for the writer, they engage in some activity, which at that time amounted to some on screen kissing of two men. The writer withdraws because he only wants sex. The doctor becomes hopeless and the wife is left out in the cold to remarry and have children with someone she doesn’t really love.

Was this what I had just made a life jump into. It wasn’t very optimistic and left me feeling rather cold and empty. I was so rattled by watching this movie that I had to leave the movie theater and I walked home alone. I remember a lot of sobbing as I wandered my way home through the night streets of Missoula feeling colder then I have ever felt in my life. When I got home my partner was waiting with a warm reception. We made love and I felt him hold me close all night. And thus had begun a new existence in a strange new world that knew would be difficult to navigate.

One thing good did come out to the movie a great song by Roberta Flack called Making Love that became a bittersweet anthem for my new found life.

I feel in love with or thought I fell in love with the first man I ever slept with. My urge to get there was overwhelming and took lots of coaxing to get to point of actually physically making love to another man. It was like a heightened dream of an experience and I was both captivated and addicted by its mysterious nature. Somewhere in the back of my head an alarm went off saying this was not right, but there was a stronger desire inside of me moving my body forward. I knew the attraction was stronger then I could ever resist and eventually gave in. My body trembled with fear, or was I just cold, standing outside of myself trying to deny what I was about to do. But the first embrace brought warmth that soothed away the hesitation. It was a point of no return. I had possible committed myself to a life of uncertainty and probably hardship that I may never overcome. Yet I was wiling to risk everything for this one experience. It was awkward and strange, not sure how to respond or react, but the embrace of that first kiss felt so right. The touching of our lips, mouth, tongue, our worlds colliding into one, my body softened and desire consumed me utterly like I had never experienced before. I wanted to hold on to this moment forever and an emotion, I had not known before, stirred within me; love. This was all I wanted, this one person, this one passion, this one desire. Perhaps I held on too tight. I believed it would last forever and that it would fill my life with utter joy. I was young and naïve, sentimental, and romantic. Isn’t this strong of a connection to another human being supposed to be experienced in a haze of soft beautiful light emerging from a unknown mysterious darkness? It is the theme that has haunted me the rest of my life and now touches everything I do.

Congratulations this morning to Elizabeth (Alison) Lister on the publication of her first gay romance novel EXPOSURE. It just came out last night and is available from MLR Press on line. Here’s to making a dream come true Alison. The novel centers around a young model who comes into a shoot with a photographer and how their passions ignite into a relationship of sex and romance. Several months ago I met Alison online and became friends with her as she was just finishing the manuscript. She was fascinated by my photography and had approached me about doing some sort of cover art for the project and so we began to chat regularly on line. We later found out the publishers wanted to keep the project in house and use their own images. She had a sampling of several chapters on her website and I went to read them. I was not really familiar with this sort of writing but was quite intrigued that a woman would want to write a romance novel about a gay relationship. As I began to talk to her I discovered there is a whole sub-culture of women that write these sorts of stories, but are actually marketed to women. At the time I thought how odd. First of all why, and secondly, does it actually sell? I guess in a sense we all want to believe in something outside of ourselves and who could be more tolerant than someone who believes in the passion, love and romance of the human spirit, no matter what gender it personifies. It seems so very long ago when I was first beginning to experience my own romance with men, I was the one having difficulty accepting that I was drawn to a member of my own sex. It feels like it has taken a lifetime of overcoming these barriers and just finding my own comfort and acceptance. How the world has changed, as gays openly express their feelings, emotions and want to legally unite. Alison sent me a message this morning “I am very proud of this story and glad that I can be a part of making gay male sex less taboo and more mainstream.” It is interesting how our culture is evolving, little tiny steps at a time.

Alison I look forward to reading your book and good luck, I am proud you have been able to follow your passion and make it happen.