Today I have a subject coming into my studio to work at noon. He is someone that I have shot several times and his images have appeared several times this week on this project. He is a straight man that I somehow feel intimidated by, and thus have a barrier that I must overcome in order to reach out and prefect today images. I tend to hold certain subjects at a distance while others I bring close to me. This subject is great to work with and we are getting excellent results, but there seems to be a bond missing that shows an aloof distance and he is disconnected from me on an emotional level. It is vital that I talk to and get to know the subject prior to the shoot and break down and get to the core of his desire for creating such intimate images of himself. I did talk to this subject, but I am not sure I got to the motivation. I am not sure he is even sure of his motivation. I had originally approached him because I was drawn to his eyes and merely wanted to do a portrait of his face and eyes, but when he saw this project he was more curious to see how I would reveal him in my style. He seems fearless and takes direction well so I know he is trying to connect to what we are doing. When I first interviewed him I felt I did not make the emotional connection I do with most. I am not sure why? Did I not ask the right questions? Was he was just more reserved? It is my connection to the subject and their connection to me that gives my images such power. I must be emotionally invested in the subject for it all to work. He does bring his girl friend with him to the shoot and I always shoot great images of her as well. She and I had instant connection and I am able to direct and coach her; to draw out what I see, her beauty and desire are exceptional. Is it because I am a gay man that I am so easy to connect with her but not with him? Women as subjects in this type of imagery are always easy for me; I think because they accept my being gay as a non-threat in the process and we get to the core of working very quickly and it becomes easy. With him I am hesitant; perhaps because I do not want to make him feel silly or perhaps I fear crossing some unseen boundary of his masculinity and fear he may view me offensive to work with. To me he is the ideal subject of my art and desire. And it is recognizing my connection to this desire that I must confront for the image to work. I am drawn to the nude images of the French Rugby Team in the Dievx Dv Stade series shot for the French Calendar particularly the images shot by the French photographer François Rousseau. It is the masculine connection of classic Greek and Roman structure, the beauty of such power and strength. There are too many images of just pretty people out there; mine must contain that signature power of desire. It is something I must get over in order for this process to work. Am I trying too hard to draw him into my world of imagery and place him where he does not belong? Perhaps I need to meet him more in his world and bring my style to him. Today I have designed a new approach, I am going to work with our distance and move toward more classic images of grit and dirt.

So I had this really amazing plan to rebuild the studio, owned the property and the existing studio, but was not sure if I could actually afford to move forward with the project. I sent the plans to my cousin Ed, a building contractor, and he worked up what it would take and cost to create the dream. A couple of weeks later he came back with a great price. The process would actually include Glenn and I as part of the crew and do a lot of the labor ourselves. I took the plan to my banker and she began to work the numbers and said no problem. All of this was hitting right when the market was crashing a couple of years back. There were so many people out of work that all the subcontractors were coming in with low bids and in November 2008 the construction process was underway. Mind you I have never undergone anything this massive in my life and wow was I in for a ride. This is a slow time of the year for photography business so it was the perfect time to close down my existing space and start from scratch. I ended up shooting jobs all over town in the strangest of places to get things done.

The idea was to build a separate structure that would become the shooting space. It would have a full basement and a large bathroom/dressing room. Then take the old wide open working space, divide it into two bedrooms separated by a 2nd bath. Finally, bridge between the two structures with a kitchen. The actual process of building a house has to be one of the most creative processes I have ever done. I have worked in construction so I knew my way around a site and how to work with tools, but this was awesome to know it’s something that comes from your heart from the beginning. Many days were spent shopping and choosing what materials would be used. The design was so quirky that nothing fit any kind of formula and everything had to be custom built. Thank god the market crashed and my cousin didn’t have extra work lined up, because this project put all his talents to the test to solve unlikely issues of roof lines and how to actually tie it all together. But every day was a challenge and fun. He said it was one of the most enjoyable projects he has every undertaken.

My concept from the beginning was French Country. I began researching this idea and incorporated it into the design from the beginning. I wanted rough exposed beams throughout the building. So we found some through salvage yards, but a lot of it was new, so when it would arrive we would take these big dirty chains and completely beat them up. The next element I wanted was wood windows with divided panes. It would have a big set of French glass doors that would open to a cobble stone pathway leading the creek and patio outside; the entire west of wall of the kitchen would open into the garden. The kitchen floor would be slate and the kitchen a mixture of organic elements to flow with outside. Glenn poured the most beautiful concrete charcoal colored countertops that were extra thick and have a stone look to them. The wall had a to have a very heavy texture so they would become more pronounced as the building aged and of course to be photographed. Everything was designed to become a part of a photograph. The texture was so heavy it took weeks to apply by hand. The floors become a mixture of a lot of different woods and tiles, textures and colors. We kept the old planking floor in the old section and but new oak hardwoods into the shooting room. The space transformed itself daily and I was glad I was actually able to work with it and make all the on-the-spot decisions as things presented themselves. Of course I designed the lighting and was actually able to do all my own electrical work. See that theatrical lighting background did pay off. By May the space was complete, except for a few minor changes and I was ready to work again. My imagination now soared to create remarkable images that would match the beauty of the space in which I created them. The entire process of art would become a process to involve all senses. When people walk into the space it still has that wow effect and they instantly know they are in for an interesting adventure.

I have begun communication and submission to people I like, admire, and trust to give me a critical analysis of my work and images. It’s really time to begin building a portfolio and get my name out into this sort of market. So if anyone is interested in helping me with this process, let me know. I have begun writing stories about the various people I have worked with and I am exploring their meaning to me. I did not come into this process with any sort of formal training or schooling. I bought my first camera in 1997 and took a 10-week summer intensive crash course at the Rocky Mountain School Of Photography on the techniques of exposing, processing, and printing black and white film. We also learned the correct exposure of color slide. I did not know if I really had any kind of aptitude for it, but I was filled with a passion to explore myself and the environment that surrounded me. I am not sure if I was well liked in my school because I was always so unconventional in my choices and how I approached my subjects. I tended to photograph things that were taboo; like transformations of drag queens. Everyone looked at my work and responded with a grimace. In this way I really didn’t get any positive feedback and didn’t really know if I was actually progressing with the process and therefore most of my images have been hidden and tucked away. It felt like the learning curve was steep and I floundered considerably along the way. There was much more stuff merely thrown out and discarded than actually used. I remember a quote from someone that says it takes 10 years for a photographer to actually gain control of their craft. Well here I am some 14 years later and I feel like I have better control of creating the vision I see when I approach the subject. My studio is littered with many books on any kind of subject regarding the process of photography, art and artists. I learn by what I see in others and voraciously consume information about their processes and how they come into their own process. I then assimilate it and make it my own. I love the process of learning and so my process is ever evolving. I know what it is that I am drawn to in an image, but I don’t necessarily know if it makes the images good or not. We all seem to have different taste and style so the choices become subjective. I now have thousands of images from the past 10 years of doing this sort of stuff. I am slowly sifting though and trying to figure it out. At the rate I am going with this project and my current rate of production it seems I would have 10 years of images to display one per day at a time. It’s now time to begin looking at the over-view of my body of work and begin to narrow it down into what could become an interesting portfolio. I am very unfocused in this manner. I was drawn to certain images for certain reasons when I was creating them and thought they were very good at the time, but do not know if they stand the test of time. It feels like most of the journey has become about overcoming my own shame and feelings of internalized homophobia and so each one seems to be a step in that direction. I began by shooting straight men naked because they were easy to work with and the process becomes an evolution of revelation. The process always begins as a portrait of the face and then subtly begin to strip away to what was hidden. In the beginning I had a great fear of shooting gay men, because I thought they would find what I was doing perverse in some self absorbed sort of way. The process of course, was always searching for what was actually hidden within myself as well. Was it desire that drew me into the subjects? Most defiantly so! For what drives this type of imagery if the viewer cannot feel the photographer’s impulse? Light becomes my touch of the skin as the camera caresses its remarkable beauty. And ultimately my objective is beauty; to create a legacy of sensual sensation that I have felt and known. I am afraid the older I get the more I may feel the loss of that impulse. Desire is not as strong as in was in my youth. It has changed as I have changed and the environment I belong also changes. I also fear that my work may lose its allure if I become or take it to a commercial level; one of the reasons I remain hidden in Montana. This project is becoming a fine balancing act of being true to myself and creating what is meaningful to me and without becoming lost in the process. I fear losing it all without connection to any kind of meaning. I wonder how many artists are out there creating vibrant and extraordinary visions that are never discovered. The family comes in after they are dead and it all gets swept away to a landfill, never to be seen. Perhaps I have become to narcissistic to think my images are of any value or good. It is time to find out.

I have been working with a lot of different subjects lately. My technical expertise is becoming honed, but I feel that the images seem to be lacking a certain life within some of my subject’s faces or eyes. I have a kid that I have been working with lately who is just amazingly sexy. He has a strong connection with the camera and me, but it’s almost like there is a distraction. The shoots become very long and I end up shooting lots of extra images because I don’t quite feel the connection during the shoot. Though the outcome of the final images a still very remarkable, there just seems to be something missing. I can’t figure out if it’s him or me. It feels like we are completely in sync at the time we are shooting but then when I look at the final images, what I saw or felt is not quite what I saw as I was working. This sort of disconnect doesn’t happen very often with me and when it does I am totally surprised.

I have been trying some new lighting techniques in which I use a broad splash of soft white light with less shadow. It’s got a very advertising model type of feel to it. And perhaps it’s the quality of light that seems too flat for me. I am very fond of shadows, and creating a rich darkness on one side of a subject excites me to no end. But then again I feel we sometimes must step out of norm to see how other things affect the quality of our work. Push the boundaries of what we do in order to grow. I wonder if I have made enough of an emotional connection to this particular subject. We have talked a lot, but there is something within him that feels guarded or distant. Perhaps I am trying to push him into something that doesn’t really represent his identity; I am generally pretty good at matching the subject to the style that best suits their personality. I definitely feel the sensuality within his personality and immediately drawn in and captivated by his presence. There is a raw sensuality about him that is natural and alluring. I feel it in his presence, but for some reason I cannot get to the core of what it is within the image. I keeping going back to these images and ask myself what is happening here? What seems to be the barrier with this particular subject? How is it that I can see it and feel it within him but can’t quite get to it within the images? Typically this is a natural for me and I instantly connect and follow my gut impulse and it leads me right where I need to be. Is it me or is it the subject? Is my work beginning to change since I have begun this “Naked Man Project”? Am I beginning to expect more from myself? Granted I need to change and evolve with my work and imagery but perhaps I should stick with what I know best. Next time we will work with the darker shadows and see what happens between us.

I began talking about my studio space the other day and wanted to follow up on a transformation I under went in deconstructing and reconstructing it a couple of years back. The summer after I finished chemotherapy I was getting a massage in my studio one Saturday I was struck by a brilliant idea to add an addition to my studio. I wanted to expand the space, add a kitchen, and add a bathroom. Later that afternoon I talked to my cousin/contractor Ed and had him come look at the space to see what it would take to create a makeover. He filled me in on the process. The first step was a plan that could be approved by the city. I began asking around and eventually met a draftsman who could draw up my vision. I began to sketch out the space; I was very specific what it needed to become – the perfect photographic working space. The entire design had to be about how the natural light would come in though the windows. I have always been drawn to the French County Style and began to research it in detail. The process would become a series of events that would begin with me drawing up my rough ideas. So I began collecting all kinds of images and then passed the information on to the draftsman who would work them into a detailed drawing. I would then modify his plans and send them back to him. The draftsman would incorporate the changes and send back to me. At this point it was mostly just a dream, so the plans went back and forth betweens us for several months until it was perfected. Since it was located and zoned in a residential area, a friend I had consulted early in the process said it needed to be a two-bedroom, two-bathroom house for the resale value. So essentially the city had to see a house plan, but over all the entire structure had to be designed as a working studio. It was one of the most creative endeavors with which I have ever undertaken. I had no idea this process would be so fun. The idea was to take the old section of the building, which used to be the big open painter’s studio, section it off to create two smaller offices/bedrooms with a bathroom in between. By turning the old shooting/staging area into an extraordinary room with beautiful natural light, I could rent it to someone like my massage friend, who was looking for a space at the time. The new studio also had to have a very large dressing room with makeup counter, clothing rack, and shower. The new shooting room needed to have a built in pop out in the wall to contain racks to hang backdrops that I could easily rollup for storage and pull down for a shoot. The room had to have high ceilings so I could lift a boom tower with lights way above my subjects’ heads. The ceilings need to also be structural enough that I could anchor and suspend props and set pieces from it from nearly any angle. The upper walls also had to be reinforced to attach lighting arms or other heavy equipment. I needed two separate circuits of electricity in each wall so I could plug hot lights/or stage lighting into any plug though out the room without fear of blowing a circuit breaker. The design was so unique; it carried through on the idea of a bank of northern skylights that would bath the room in the beautiful natural light that would change though out the day. I very carefully worked it up so there would be no direct light coming into the room except the early morning sun which is an extraordinary light unto itself. The property has an irrigation ditch in the back that runs in the summers is surrounded by several large willow trees so these also had to be incorporated into the design of the structure. We had finished the plan and it was so amazing; perfectly what I needed in every detail. One of my long-term goals I had written while I was doing The Artist’s Way was to someday have a remarkable studio in which I could just create. Now I had dreamed it, but the next question was could I afford it?