A new musical called PRISCILLA QUEEN OF THE DESERT opened Sunday on Broadway. For those of you who don’t know of the legendary Pricilla: it began as an Australian Indy film in 1994 with a ridiculously long name of THE ADVENTURES OF PRISCILLA, QUEEN OF THE DESERT. The premise is that two male female impersonators (Hugo Weaving, Guy Pearce) and a post operational transsexual (Terence Stamp) cross the Australian outback in a “budget Barbie camper” of a broken down bus they call Priscilla as they “mouth the words to other peoples songs” and come to terms with each other and themselves during the voyage. It is quite possibly the funniest movie I have ever seen and whenever I am feeling down I put it in and without fail it always makes me laugh. I have seen this movie possibly thirty times and it never, ever loses it’s magic. The writing and performances are brilliant, with an amazing sound track of 80’s pop music and some of the most outrageous costumes ever conceived. It fact it won the Oscar that year for costume design. Now it has become what looks like an equally amazing Broadway production. I spent this morning looking at their fabulous website, which is very good for a Broadway Show. Generally they are fairly nonspecific, trying to build more hype without giving you too much information about the show. But the Priscilla site gives you a lot of amazing video clips: production numbers, scenes from the actual production, rehearsals, and interviews. I have to say this looks like it will be one amazing show to see. It’s a complete celebration of being unique and true to yourself and a celebration of people who are different. The producers have put together a campaign called “IT GETS BETTER” that reaches out to young gay kids and lets them know if they just hold out through high school life actually gets better. It encourages them to feel as fabulous on the outside as they do on the inside. The website has a powerful video in which the cast and crew talk about growing up feeling different, being bullied, and thinking about committing suicide and how life gets better once you begin to tap into their natural talents.

It took me back to my high school days when I certainly felt all those things; how miserable I felt and how I too attempt to stop all the angst I felt being so different from everyone else. It’s not an uncommon story and there are many who do succeed. Looking back it completely reaffirms what an amazing life I have actually had. How many people I have impacted with my unique perspective and being just me. It makes me look at all the joy in my life and yet I know there is much more to come. I feel like I am on the verge of something extraordinary. Not quite sure what it is yet, but have a gut impulse that it’s just around the corner. Therefore I am going to spend today in celebration of looking back at my life and all the positive things it has become, reflect on those joys I have felt, recognize the obstacles I have overcome, and remember all the amazing accomplishments I have achieved. Those things we take for granted in our selves and forget to look at. Perhaps I will write a letter to President Obama asking that we create a national holiday, possibly called Pricilla Day, where people get a paid holiday and reflect on only the positive things in their lives, listen to fabulous music that lifts them up, wear something sensational that can brighten up their world, but mostly to reach out to others who are less fortunate and struggling and lift them up. It should become a day of hope, a day to soar from your heart and celebrate individual uniqueness and talents, a day to seek and establish a new dream for oneself. Think of what one-day like this a year could do for humanity, but alas I can only change my one little corner of the world, so here goes.

Today I dedicate to you Strykermeyer in Australia, one of the make-up artists on this amazing film production, who is also an amazing artist, and I hope will not hate me for bringing this up again but your “tired old thing” has new life and still inspires me and hopefully a new generation. I highly recommend everyone watching this movie today in celebration of yourself and just laugh until you fall on the floor with its infections intoxication of humor, wit, and sheer delight.

“I’ve got all my life to live
I’ve got all my love to give
and I’ll survive
I will survive”
Gloria Gaynor I Will Survive

This constant exploration of myself is beginning to wear on me a bit. First it takes a lot of time; I am really not a writer so the actual process of writing is very difficult for me. I am more of a person who just puts his thoughts out there and others help me to edit and make it coherent. I have always been able to put the thought or idea forward without trepidation; right or wrong, just to get it out there and expose the core of it. It can be shaped, honed, and refined later. The hardest part for many is just getting it out there to begin in the first place. I guess that’s why I turned to photography. Though it’s technical, I can express the thought so everyone can understand the moment, a visual representation that becomes universal. I always admired the early days of film when movies were silent. Stories were told; taking people on a journey that was universal. Though there may have been subtitles, everyone could follow the journey. I think Russian and German Silent Cinema was extremely powerful in the stories it told about revolt and social political events in their culture, which were drastically changing.

This process of The Naked Man Project is beginning to take me to places I didn’t quite anticipate. I thought it would add clarity to my work and my life and make the next step in my progression clear to me. It seems to be having to opposite effect emotionally. It sometimes brings me to a darkness in my life that I have either forgotten or chose to suppress. I had intended it to be more of a technical, spiritual sharing of thought, idea, and concept. Looking at past techniques and artists I have admired to recognize their influence. I will strive in the upcoming weeks to bring the focus back in that direction.

I fear a bitterness beginning to emerge from my words and the current images I am working on, and to be honest this scares me a bit. It’s really not my nature; I have lived a very optimistic life filled with marvel, joy, and wonder. True I am the sum of my past and I think it helps to color the overall picture of my work and images so it is good to remember and connect to my history. But I must not lose the perspective and allow the darkness within it to consume me. Overall I am content and happy and have spent a life fascinated and captivated by the creative process. I feel like I have become stuck or bogged down by this inner reflection. I am frustrated because it’s not quite getting to where I need to be. I will try to spend the upcoming week redefining this process and what it actually means to me. I began this morning by contacting and submitting some of my images so someone outside myself for an honest evaluation. The truth is I have to figure out what the next step is in the evolution of my process. I cannot remain stuck or I will stagnate.

When I first started going to New York City I always carried a compass in my pocket. My friends used to make fun of me because I would come out of the subway and be so disoriented by which direction I needed to go. I pulled out my trusty compass and instantly know which direction to head.

Last night The University of Montana was holding it’s annual fundraiser event called Odyssey of the Stars, an event I attend every year where they honor a past alumni who has lead an accomplished life in the arts. Last night’s recipient was honoring Lt Colonel Timothy Holtan, who was my high school music teacher, not much older than myself, who went on the become the Commandant of the U.S. Army School of Music. The event is to raise money for the College of Visual and Performing Arts Scholarship Fund, as it becomes an evening of celebration showcasing the various departments within the college and pay tribute to a personal journey through the arts.

For me this annual event become a journey within myself. It takes me back to a time when I was an enthusiastic student at the University studying theater. I had received a scholarship for theater, which was one of the few given to a student from such a small town like Superior. Even more rare, I was the first member of my family to ever go to college. I loved theater, all aspects of it. Small town high schools are mostly noted for athletics and with no recognition for arts. So when I, this creative soul, was able to leave that painful existence and suddenly enter a world of people with the same interest and desire. I become consumed with all aspects of production. I loved costume and sewing, was in heaven dressing sets and working with props and set design creating alternate worlds of reality. But most of all I loved light. It fascinated me how an audience would come into a dark space and it could suddenly be transformed by light. I absorbed the history of theater and was a prolific reader of all types of theater literature. I became an expert in script analysis and could spend days and days sifting though a play to find all it’s meanings and nuances. It’s like every play contained and worked within it’s own universe. It became my life, 24 hours a day; I lived, ate, and breathed theater. I was so passionate about all aspects of production that it became very hard for me to focus on any thing in particular. It was suggested early that I would make a great stage manager because I knew so much and could solve any issues that would arise. It as it turned out it was a perfect fit for me. I was a natural, balancing the creative with the technical. I also began studying directing and was the only undergraduate to get a degree in directing; which was generally only open to graduate students. I was so dependable that I was always paired with the guest artist who visited for a semester and was constantly working from show to show, doing something different on each production. Wow I don’t know how I ever kept up with that kind of life.

Last night I saw that look in the young performers eyes at this event, enthusiastic, vibrant, pulsing with excitement and stamina. The arts are a strange business, and college arts programs are rarely like the path you may eventually go if you eventually work in the arts. Unfortunately life gets in the way and so many of the people I went to school with didn’t take it anywhere beyond that world of college. Why is it this dream seems to die so easily? Why and how does it become a reality for some and merely a dream for others? When we work in the arts do we live in an alternate reality? I feel fortunate most of my life has been creative. I have followed my passions and the dream never seems to die, but some days I question this path especially the older I get the more it becomes a struggle. I talk to a lot of different artists in a variety of fields and we all feel the same, so it’s not unique to me. In most fields it’s the opposite, life gets easier as struggle becomes less and less as most head toward retirement. But is there really a retirement from something you are so truly passionate about? Something that fueled all your desires, hopes, and inspirations to create such dreams. My energy and enthusiasm doesn’t seem to be any less, it’s opportunity that seems to become less. We become bound to our securities and are less likely to take as many chances. At the reception last night I noticed we were mostly a group of aging people, most of whom I have known most of my life. Are we all getting that much older? When I finally caught up with Tim, at the reception, he reminded me it has been 31 years since we both left Superior and then exclaimed, “You still have all your curly hair”. My heart sank as I pondered how much time has gone by. Since last nights events I have been re-examining my life in the arts. I realize how I have remained true to myself, though the dreams of those days have taken me in so many unexpected directions and I know deep in my heart there is no regret for the path chosen so very long ago.

I have worked in the same space since the beginning of photography. My friend Gilbert, who got me into photography in the beginning, owned this little shed on the lower corner of his property. It was actually a very cool space that he was using to store all the records for his various businesses. One afternoon while I was down searching for some old box of records I began to notice what an interesting space it actually was. It was filled floor to ceiling with racks of old stuff that had probably accumulated for decades; we weren’t even quite sure what most of it was. Gilbert owned a flower shop some time back and I think most of it was staging remnants for that business. I had been doing photography for about a year, and had no real place to work or store any of my equipment. So Gilbert allowed me to clean it out and after many trips to the dump I began to discover a very remarkable space. It had been built by a painter and was his first studio. He is now a famous painter in Montana and noted mostly for images of what I would call Neon Cowboys and the West. His style is very distinct in that it crossed pop art with the West. The entire north side of the roof was filled with massive skylights and allowed the most extraordinary light to fill the space and change the color in the rooms throughout the day. There was space for an office and a very small changing room in the front and lots of wall space that I could hang what I was currently working on in a gallery type setting. I loved this space and Gilbert allowed me to use it basically if I paid the taxes, insurance and maintenance. It was perfect; I wasn’t really making any money with it at that point but it was just a great space to hang and dream. Well, after Gilbert passed away from a brain tumor in 2003, I was given first option to buy the space from his estate. It didn’t have any water or restroom facilities, so I really got it at a bargain, mostly just paying for the lot it stood on.

Business and photography began to flourish for me over the years and I began to create some very interesting images. I loved lighting and though the space was cramped it suited my needs perfectly. I had been to New York and visited photographer friends there and realized my tiny space actually quite large and a luxury in comparison. Because I could not afford any kind of lighting, photography began with the process of natural light. Slowly I began to work my way into the hot light systems for headshots and promotional images, buying a new light each month as I could afford. In those days everything went into photography. It consumed all my resources all the time. I loved the process as my life become obsessed with exposure, development, and printing. I ended up with a studio strobe pack and eventually segued into soft boxes and massive sources of light. I became fascinated and began all my studies in light. Anytime I could talk someone into coming into my studio was a new experiment in light. A lot of the time it was a mistake and often the process wasn’t even printable but the studio become a haven for me to grow and learn as I created these elaborate set ups in my 13 x 17 foot shooting space. People who saw the images would say “You created that in your space?” Yep it’s the process of creation.

Many years ago when I was first getting into photography I did a program called The Artist’s Way developed by a woman named Julia Cameron. I highly recommend it to anyone who is artistically inclined but may have doubt about following their passion. She did a series of workshops to finally develop a book outlining those workshops in a book published in 1992. The Artist’s Way: A course in Discovering and Recovering Your Creative Self, A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity. It takes a 12-week commitment of about 30 minutes each day to complete the entire program. I have heard of people doing it as a group, but I think it’s something you can just work on your own. I recommend it to all new artists I meet and in any field of creative exploration. It is the most powerful discover program I have ever done and I would have to say is one of the greatest influences to bring me to where I am today. You can find it in most bookstores or order in on line and I have probably given out several dozen copies to people I have known. Most people I know who worked in theater had done the program. The book is divided into 12 weeks. Each week tackles a different part of the creative psyche. It begins by exposing your sense of safety, works through issues dealing with identity, integrity, possibility, connection, and strength, and ultimately ends with a strong belief of faith in yourself to follow your desire.

The process took me though identifying my fears and doubt and gave me a greater sense of identity. I had a lot of anxiety to overcome growing up on a family cattle ranch in the mountains of western Montana. Not your normal kind of anxieties for a kid growing up in this sort of lifestyle. I knew I was different. I have always been drawn to creative things. Most of my family didn’t get this. I am not sure where these influences actually come from and I often wonder if we are born with them or if it’s just something we cultivate as we discover more about processes we become involved in and discover along the way. By all means I should not have been exposed to any such influences growing up and it’s a mystery to me what become the influence for such strong impetus to create. Being creative is not a glamorous life, well not for me, it hasn’t led me to any great wealth or fame. It’s actually been the opposite; it’s a constant struggle, a constant search for connection and meaning. I think artist have to be strong people and have to be willing to live lives of sacrifice. What does one ultimately get in return? There is no easy path; you end up having to forge your own frontier. But for some of us there is no other choice in life, it’s like being gay, I didn’t choose it, it’s just what I am. I always had to laugh at young people coming into the world of the theater, with this idealism of being discovered and becoming a star as if that’s all there is too it. Wrong, it’s about dedication and passion and lot of damn hard work. Just because you have a pretty face, does not mean you are talented. When you get to a city there are thousands of people with pretty faces, what you have to do it recognize it in your heart, been well, well, well educated in your craft, secure in yourself and find the target. This is where programs like The Artist’s Way truly pays off; because it helps you to identify and understand these questions within your self. And in the end it asks you to set goals. Yes they may only be things you dream about, but at least you put it out there and reach for the stars. It helped me recognize the dream. For it was to have an amazing space where I could create and live a life of exploring and exposing myself through erotic imagery. That dream has come true beyond what I ever imagined possible.

Every once in a while I go back and look at or spend a week or so reworking a chapter or two from The Artist Way. Lately I’ve had an inclination to go back and revisit it once again. It’s time to set some new goals and see where I want to be in another 10 years.

Thanks Julia for this amazing gift you have given me and the world. You have led me to an amazing life of discovery and helped me recognize this glorious beacon within myself.