I saw an image that was randomly up on the screen yesterday being previewed in one of my finder windows and I thought wow that is a very striking image. (today’s image) It was one I had worked with some time back, but it never quite came around for me at the time. So I tossed it to the back thinking I would never use it. There are so many images I discard thinking it really wasn’t the essence of what I was trying to capture at the moment and move it to the back of the pile. A short while later that afternoon I opened my RedBubble portfolio looking for something else and I glanced at my work as a collection. Wow, it felt like I was seeing the overview of my images for the first time and I found myself thinking is this actually me. Have I amassed this many images in such a short period of time working as a photographer? You see I have been posting the daily images to the RedBubble portfolio without really looking at their context or relationship. I don’t mean to sound conceited and this may sound silly but most of the time I am unaware of or never really see what I create as a collection. I think as artists we only tend to look at what is right in front of us, what we are currently involved with. Yes I have some of my images hanging in my studio, but I don’t change them out near often enough. The same ones will hang for years because it always seems too much of an effort to redo and I never get tired of the ones already hanging. What drew me to photography in the first place is that each image is capsule. A small slice of me and where I was emotionally engaged at that moment in my life. It defines and takes me back to the moment. Surprisingly many of the subjects I meet are mere casual people I meet, invite into my studio and photograph and then never see or interact with again. But what is left behind is this amazing impression of my psyche that I can go back, visit, and reexamine. It’s not that I don’t wish to continue the relationship with the subject; its just there isn’t enough time.

We are conditioned culturally to not actually have that many sustainable relationships. Look at Facebook. How many friends we actually have? Yes we have crossed paths with many of them, or gained insight or inspiration, but to actually talk, I don’t even think is possible yet I feel bound to each and every one of them. I now live in a virtual world where I am still trying to come to grips with on my own personal level. It makes me question how much of the worth while parts of our lives are being randomly discarded because we are all so overwhelmed by what is actually right in front of us in this moment. At least for me it lives in a photo that reignites that moment. But is it so massive that so much of the beauty cannot possibly be contained and therefore must be discarded. How many of us have massive collections of images we have taken over the years, stowed away, always meaning to revisit, that are abandoned or forgotten? I think it’s the oddest part of modern digital photography. Somehow capturing so many images, instantly with so much quantity, that we can’t possibly assimilate. As a photographer we have better tools to organize and gain instant access, but most of the general population doesn’t. Nor do they have the time. I tend to think of myself as a historian because I am always archiving and recording the history of my world and how I exist within it. It is one of the passions that draws me to it. Often we just don’t ever really see the overview of what it is we are working on until we are able to step back and actually take a look. And as much as I have complained about not having subjects to work with, I now see there a quite a few. I see and feel the influence of others in the entire multitude, multi-layered styles I have worked, hence so much variation. I still feel a distinctive thread running through out all, this is just me try to find meaning and express myself.

I went to a fundraiser last night for our local charity to raise money for our local community center. I connected with so many amazing people some I have known for years and many I am just meeting. It was a huge turnout; the room was packed. I had donated some artwork and a photo session for an auction. I rarely go out, so it was quite an event for me. It seems that many people here in Montana are actually following what I am doing and the support was overwhelming. I have made a lot of very great connections and have this week completely filled with people to work with on my project. Wow I never expected this to happen so soon. It seems that everything I photograph now has a new quality. I am creating amazing images daily. I think the constant looking at images and my focus on the art is refining my sense of texture and shape. Every thing is suddenly coming alive and is so vibrant with so much energy. Simple portraits are becoming extraordinary. I finally feel in sync with the process and it is organically beginning to just rise up within me. I do not seem to question so much anymore what it is about and follow my intuition. People put complete trust in what I am doing and just allow the process to flow. I’m looking at and studying hundreds of very beautiful images every day and I’m finding balance and harmony within myself. It feels like photography has been a big puzzle that I have been putting together, where you spend a great deal of time just trying to put together some semblance of the shape of the object, but it is still perplexing where or how the pieces fit. Now as more of the pieces fit into the puzzle I am beginning to see the image emerge. Now I have so many influences on style that I will begin this week exploring some of those ideas and concepts. To take what I can from them and see how it impacts my style and work and remains original and true to myself.

I have a shoot coming up this afternoon that I have been looking forward to all week. He is a casual acquaintance that I met once at a football tailgate party last fall and while I was out with some friends at a bar. He has a very unique look, eyes that are direct and pierce though whom ever he gazes upon. He is quiet and reserved with a calm introspective personality and he has exceptional skin and face structure. After running into him in the bar, I befriended him on Facebook and asked if I could do a portrait of him. He agreed but then he sent me a message back saying he would be interested in becoming a subject for my Naked Man Project. I was quite surprised and thrown off guard at first. I have hardly spoken two words to this subject and know very little about him and he knows very little about me. Excitement builds within me as I plan and anticipate where this shoot will lead, though I have no set plan or concept for the shoot. It excites me to work this spontaneous when I think so much of what I do is calculated and planned. I love it when I see such a remarkable quality in someone who is not yet aware of or can see this quality within themselves. I will follow my instinct and respond to my impulse and allow the extraordinary to emerge naturally.

“One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar.” Helen Keller

I saw the best quote on Facebook this morning “LIFE BEGINS AT THE END OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE” Neale Donald Walsch. I guess that sums me up to a T. I am not sure I have ever really had a comfort zone. And with everyone’s support and comment on here I am beginning to think that’s not necessarily a bad thing. I don’t think anything about my life has been conventional. I never do the same thing twice in any two days in a row. This project seems to be the only thing I have done with a certain amount of consistency, but then it’s different everyday too. Photographing people nude certainly takes them out of their comfort zone. Lately I have been photographing a lot of straight men. They actually seem more comfortable with the process than most. I think they are so comfortable with who they are and don’t have the hang-ups most people do. And I don’t just photograph men in this style; I do a lot of woman as well. Women are more private and absolutely do not what their images shown, they seem to be the most self-conscience. Yet they are some of the most beautiful images I ever created because they go there emotionally and are more in touch with themselves. Some straight guys are afraid of what others may think about them. Afraid that being photographed nude by a gay photographer may lead to questions about their masculinity. It’s far from the truth. About half the men I photograph are not gay at all. Beautiful light is beautiful light, and knows no boundaries. We are only at this stage of our lives once and if someone is willing to work to capture the remarkable essence of it, perhaps we should step outside of our comfort zones and preserve it. To be able to look back and say “Wow that was me!” I have so many people come to me that want to explore this process and put it off, and put it off, and put it off. Saying, “I am not in the right shape” or “I am not that comfortable with myself, I will when I get in better shape.” We are what we are at whatever stage we are at. It’s like that old exercise of trusting someone when you fall backwards, but this time it’s yourself you have to put the trust in. I have a friend Giorgio who keeps asking me if I will do some images of myself in my style. “Now let’s turn some of that excitement towards yourself. You have to believe and love yourself just the way you are (unconditionally) in order for the rest of the world to mirror what you see and give back.” I keep resisting the idea, but after seeing today’s quote I think it’s time for me to step outside of my own comfort zone and make this leap. Face the fear I help others face. It’s just hard to do on my own, because I can’t gently coach myself through the process as I do others. Will I look ridiculous? Probably, but now my curiosity is peaked to see what will actually emerge. I think this is going to be my project this week.

I am reminded of that great moment in Young Frankenstein when Dr. Frankenstein creates the monster. He puts his hands up to the sky as lightning strikes and yells,”LET…THERE…BE…LIFE!!!!!” This is the point where Gene Wilder changes from mild-mannered Dr. “Frankenschteen” to mad-scientist Dr. “Frankenstine.”

I am having a tormented night of tossing and turning as the reality of my life comes crashing into my dream. Today I was offered an extraordinary opportunity and I passed it up without a second thought and it has haunted me all day. I become friends with an amazing man who lives in Belgium. He seems to be a connoisseur of art and seems particularly interested in male erotic images and the process of the creation of this art. He has been drawn to my images for some time now and we have been having exchanges via the Internet. One morning several weeks back he called me to chat and asked if I would be interested in becoming part of a series of shows he is putting together in a gallery he is opening soon in Brussels. I was astonished, first of all that he would call and want to talk to me. He seems moved by my project and images in particular. Today he offered me an opportunity of a lifetime; to fulfill an ambition I have only ever dreamed possible. To come visit him for two months in the north of Greece and just photograph beautiful men in extraordinary light. I have had a deep desire to visit Greece for decades now and almost went on vacation several years back, as the American economy was falling apart, our dollar devalued, I ended up spending two weeks in New York instead. I have had a long time fascination with Greece, its people, its history, the clear blue Mediterranean Sea, but most of all I am drawn by its mythology and theater. I am drawn to its literature, especially from the early periods of Homer’s Iliad and the adventures of Odysseus to the plays of Aeschylus, Euripides, Sophocles, and the brilliant biting comedy of Aristophanes. I long to find a beautiful stranger with piercing eyes and olive skin to photograph as the sunset in the ruins of one of those Hellenistic theaters. Oh how I digress.

My reality is I have a job, that I have worked some time to establish myself within for UPS. Though it’s part time, it is a steady income that pays my living expenses and also provides some great perks and benefits and allows me days just to work on my creative endeavors. I am currently allotted two weeks of paid vacation per year, and since I am at the bottom of the totem pole in my center I don’t get much choice when it comes to selecting time because I generally have to take whatever weeks remain open which becomes very limited, especially in the summer. But the funny thing is this isn’t really what bothers me, because several years ago I would have leapt at such an opportunity. The thing that really bugs me is that I have begun this Naked Man Project as a dream to reach out with my heart, expand my horizons, and allow my artistry to flourish. I know it is a big dream with the potential to really expand my creative talents. I did not look much beyond Montana and did not consider the possibility of where it might lead. Yes I was hoping to get published somehow and possibly do a calendar of some sort. But my reality is that I am in Montana, working for what feels a meager survival. The market has crashed around me and it is becoming more and more difficult to scramble for the work. Though my talents are toward photographing nude people, there really isn’t any money in it. I also struggle with my issues of growing older and constantly have to think of my future? I am so uncertain of the potential of making money making beautiful art that I am possibly blind to what lies before me. It is all new to me. Am I really talented enough to actually make enough money at it to survive on it solely? I am a creative soul who knows how to create, but I have no real idea of what the potential value of such things. There are a lot of people out there taking beautiful pictures of beautiful men, is there room for what I do? I keep thinking about the future and know if I want to pursue my art and follow my passion I will need to eventually leave the security of these mountains that surround me. Trapped in a sort of Shangri-La that is beautiful, mystifying, and draws my soul to the comfort of it surroundings. Perhaps I am foolish to have begun this passion so late in my life. This is a young man’s dream and thus perhaps, I often wonder if my dreams have only become delusional fantasies. What is the next step? Where do I really want to end up? I am an extraordinary studio here in Montana that I have spent a lifetime building? Is it time to let go and step outside of the box?

“We all lead such elaborate lives
wild ambitions in our sights
How an affair of the heart survives”
ELABORATE LIVES, lyrics from the musical AIDA by Elton John as sung by Adam Pascal and Heather Headley.

Someone recently posted the video Christina Aguilera–Hurt–Brokeback Mountain on one of the artist feed sites I was on. As I watched this video I was completely moved and drawn back into my connection to this incredible story. Many years ago I read this amazing short story from a collection of short stories in book called Wyoming Stories by Annie Proulx. My dear friend Eden Atwood turned me on to the story while I was visiting and photographing her in Singapore. Eden is an amazing Jazz singer of international reputation and we have been friends since college. When I was first starting to get into photography we both ended up back in Missoula about the same time. We would spend endless hours working on images and coming up with ideas, many of these images were to later be used as cover work for her music. Eden’s heritage is that her grandfather was the famous Montana western writer AB Guthrie so we both had a strong tie to Montana. So I was in Singapore shooting images of Eden while she was working a club. The first day I arrived, she hands me this book and said, “You have to read this story, it’s just come out and it’s awesome, it will remind you of home.” I read the story and was so profoundly moved that Annie Proulx had captured such a moving tale in such a short story. I wept deeply and the story haunted me for hours after reading, feeling like I was paralyzed by grief and emotion. The story had cut at the heart of my identity, who I was as a gay man growing up in Montana on a family cattle ranch in the mountains.

The book became one of my treasured possessions and I pulled it out to read every so often and was gripped by its power and cried each time I read it. My friend Gilbert was diagnosed with a brain tumors sometime after my return from Singapore and I became his caregiver until he passed. As the tumor took hold, he become more incapacitated and I would read to him in the evenings. One evening I pulled out the story of Brokeback Mountain. Tears filled my eyes as I read and we both wept together. After Gilbert’s passing I heard they were planning to make a movie of this remarkable story. I was lost in the wake of Gilbert and was looking for a new project and applied to work on the Brokeback production crew, but was not hired. Yesterday’s posting goes into this in a little more detail To Ang Lee with Love, Terry Cyr as this is a continuation of that story.

A couple of years later I was getting ready to go back on the road with The Montana Rep’s national tour of a play called The Trip to Bountiful. I signed on the production as the assistant stage manager in hopes of creating a photo/written journal of backstage life of a touring theater. The movie of Brokeback Mountain was just coming out as we finished the rehearsal process and I finally got a glimpse of the film. It was as beautiful as the short story that inspired it and I was once again deeply moved by is power. I suddenly had a longing to reconnect to my own heritage. I always hid the fact that I grew up on a family cattle ranch in my gay life because I didn’t want to feel like a hick. I thought I would not be accepted in gay culture because it would make me seem awkward and backward and was a world I was so desperately trying to escape. Looking back it all seems silly, but when we are young we have such absurd notions that we always want to be a part of the in crowd and being a simple cowboy didn’t fit that mould. As the tour hit the road I got my grandfather’s old cowboy boots out I had inherited when he passed and began to take pride in who I was. I donned the apparel of my lost heritage and began to take ownership of who I was and what it had made me to this moment. The tour became my own personal Trip to Bountiful and to reconnect to that heritage I had long missed and forgotten. Now I am very proud of those powerful roots. I still get out every year and photograph the local rodeos. I get up on the shoots amongst the cowboys with my camera and they accept me as one of their own and know I am home.