Well here are some of the final images of John Thomas, the 23-year-old Native American boy I have been working with this week. I showed these images to John yesterday and he was completely blown away by the way I captured him. I could tell he was quite moved and was emotional touched by the final results. I am very fond of them myself and think they show an innocent side of him that is very vulnerable. There was a natural easiness to him that is immediately recognizable. He was also quite startled to see himself in such a sexy manner. When he came in he really had no conception of who he was in regards to his sensual/sexual self. After we were finished viewing and analyzing the images, we went back into the studio and I photographed him again. This time he was more aware of the process and seemed to come alive, there was now a self-awareness, almost like a sudden awakening with in him.

I am often drawn to subjects who dwell in self-doubt and can’t see themselves in a positive manner. It is exciting to see someone come into my studio who has no or low self-esteem and begin to see themselves emerge and really see the remarkable qualities that linger below the surface.

Growing up I could always feel something remarkable within myself, but suppressed or denied it because I did not think it was worthy of praise. I lived in the shadow of a brother who was drop dead handsome and was the admiration of everyone. It has taken me a lifetime of internal struggle to get beyond such self-doubt and loathing. Now that I have found the confidence and have made my way in my own world my insecurities have shifted. I now stand before me, looking into the mirror to see an aging man who’s doubt is now shrouded in wrinkles and aging skin.

And I am not entirely sure what to make of it. I know it is a part of life and living, but for some reason I it still have a hard time coming to terms with it. Is desire what drives my work or something else? The older I get, the further away I get from connecting to this desire within others and myself. It is becoming harder to find subjects who want to work with someone older with whom they can’t relate. Yet when it happens; remarkable and extraordinary thing are allowed to emerge.

I had a late night shoot last night for the archive photos for the University of Montana production The Lion In Winter and did not get home until near midnight. Overslept this morning and have two more shoots scheduled for today that I still have to set up, jump in the shower, and be ready to go pretty soon. We are having yet another winter storm raging outside that began last night and is supposed to last the next couple of days. The temps have dropped to near zero with blasting winds howling though the trees around me. Yesterday I got a chance to work through the images of the new kid I shot on Tuesday and they are awesome, just as I expected. We will review them this afternoon and they will become tomorrow’s post once he approves them. We ended up shooting about 900 images during the shoot, mostly because he was new and getting used to the process. It takes be about 20 minutes to look at them all and make the first cut. I use a program by Adobe called Lightroom that allows me to rapidly scan through the images individually or view as a collection. During this first cut I race thought the images individually as rapid as I can and do not linger on any particular image. I am so fast at it and instantly know if an image might work and fit within my style. So it’s all about impulse. Making sure the images are sharp and properly exposed. The first pass generally narrows it down to about a hundred potential finalists. The next step I put the images up in batches; things that are similar in groups of about 10. I instantly see what stands out and mark them up another level. I still do not study the images and continue to work on impulse. This step generally narrows the selection to about 40, I make one more multi comparison pass bring up even larger groupings and eliminate anything that just doses hold up to the others as a collection. This has taken me another 5 minutes to get to these final images. The next step is where the images begin to become art. I choose one image that I think best represent the style I was going for and fine-tune it. I don’t do a lot of post production, but I due skew the tonal curves just a bit popping the lights and highlights and deepening the darks and shadow areas, placing everything where I visually saw it while I was shooting. I used to have to do this in the dark room with a series of contrast filters and print new images to see the results. It would take hours, but now Lightroom has some remarkable tools build right in into the image that are instantaneous. I also like to burn down the edges a bit to bring my focus back into the subject. This was a technique Ansel Adams used and I also carry over from my darkroom days. Once I have discovered the overall look of the image I copy the settings and past them into all the remaining images. Then it just takes a few moments with each image to tweak exposure, make minor adjustments, and eliminating anything that doesn’t fit or work well with the images as on overall collection. The final step is to put them all up on the screen and select the ones that truly pop out. I try to choose one from each look and try to narrow the collection to a final dozen that I think are outstanding. I then put them all up for final look and tweak any that need adjustment so they all have the same look and feel. The entire process takes about an hour and they are ready for presentation.

Today marks 3 months until my 50th birthday. Which for some reason at the beginning of this year I was dreading. Since I have begun working on this project I am gaining a new perspective. For some reason in gay culture in the USA aging seems to be the greatest fear we face. And I don’t quite understand why. It disappoints me that all the advertising and promotion is aimed at hot young well built guys that are beginning to all look the same. What’s even more disappointing is that I buy into this as well and allow it to have such an influence over me. It’s ironic that all this promotion is seemingly aimed at a market and crowd that does not have the disposable income to support it. Most guys I know in their 20’s can barely afford to keep their cell phones in service. The target therefore is the next level up, older guys who remember the vibrancy of that youth, whose bodies are beginning to settle, who have secure good jobs, and have lots of disposable income.

So what is it we are drawn to in our youth that we cannot find with age? I think the biggest part of it is attraction. Do we really become less attractive as we get older? I remember my grandfather Cyr, out on the ranch, and how distinguished he was. His face was so defined by his age; it was extraordinary and handsome. I used to look at with great admiration. He was a Frenchman who had the most defied features of anyone in our county. He was the county commissioner and so loved and respected in the community, adored and admired by all. I remember thinking; I hope that when I get to that age, I will become as distinguished as he.

So here I sit on that verge of what I think is some significant marker trying to come to terms with my life and find perspective. Many of my co-workers at UPS, my age; seem older, settled, tired. They are racing toward a point of retirement, bleeding out their time, racing toward a finish. I always feel like I am abnormal and out of place and it makes be question where I am and possibly should be in comparison. I do not feel a slowing down of my life at this point but feel more charged and connected to it then ever. I am excited to take the experience of my life and tap it’s remarkable resources. All of my talents have matured and as I have grown into something extraordinary. This is not the time for place to give up or retreat. It took me ten years to learn to become a photographer and I am now peaking with enthusiasm toward creation. I don’t really want to stop or retire. Jessica Tandy once said that retirement is for people who do not enjoy their lives. The only barrier that seems to hold be back is my connection to a younger generation. Youth fears age. There is no longer an attraction. I remember when I was young I feared older men. We always looked at them as pathetic old trolls that only wanted to molest us. I sense this fear in the younger generation as well. As I got older and began to develop non-sexual relationships with older men, I began to see the beauty of their knowledge and wisdom of their experience. Those connections where stronger, more sustainable then many of the relationships I was having. In my youth, life was about sex and beauty I found in my sensual collision with another person. It was as if I had entered another universe of dream, fantasy charged by eroticism and flesh. I lived for that experience and it was paramount in my quest and motivation. It didn’t matter if I was poor because I had the power of pleasure and all endeavors seem to lead toward that ultimate conclusion. This began to fade when I discovered porn, for porn became a substitute, in which I stepped out of myself and the fantasy merely become delusional. I was addicted and drawn and consumed. But then porn began to change and the fantasy was lost. Now as I get older, I realize sex, is only a small part of what defines me and I wish that I had begun the process of my art a lot sooner. There is a huge learning curve to become good at what you do and get beyond self-doubt. It seems there is more credibility in someone doing this type of imagery when they are younger and attraction and seduction are a fierce motivating factor.

I am beginning to plan for the upcoming event. I am physically in very good shape for a man of my age. Many people remark they do not believe I will be this old. I am comfortable with myself. I have all that I have dreamed and wanted. I have lived my life in reverse. And now that I have begun this project and I am able to reveal my hidden self and inner most creative passions publicly it is giving my existence great meaning. You see I feared that if I pass, all would be lost. Glenn or a member of my family would wipe my hard drive, all of the prints cluttered in heaps around my studio would be hauled to the dump in one massive trip, and the meaning of my existence would be void. I have always believed we exist for a greater significance. What we have learned and gained is of great value to grow from our experience and mistakes. I hope there will be a big celebration. I am planning to face one of my greatest fears in life, falling. I am planning on doing a tandem sky dive, a free fall from the sky, which the more I think about excites me as much as it terrifies me. It makes my heart pump with anticipation and reminds me of the vibrancy with which I have lived.

Yesterday I had one of the most sensational photo shoots I have had in a while. I was working with a young kid I had meet about six months back. I instantly felt a connection to him when I met him at a birthday party for a friend. There was something within the depth in his eyes that aroused my curiosity about him. There was a calm and comfort about his presence that instantly gave me access to an inner calm. It was warm and inviting, sexy and flirtatious; I knew instantly I wanted to photograph him. The party was such a ruckus of drunkenness that I quickly become uncomfortable and left within twenty minutes of arrival not really knowing who this person was. A couple of weeks ago I discovered him on Facebook and began to chat. At last we met up, instantly reconnected, and planned for a shoot yesterday afternoon. I was very excited for him to come in and work. I showed him some images from a book I had on Caravaggio and said this is where I was planning to go with the shoot. He really didn’t seem to get the concept but was willing to trust where it would take him. I had spent about an hour or so setting up the studio with the lighting I knew would make him pop. He is a young kid so his body and muscle tones have not yet developed. I tend to like people that are natural as long as they are comfortable with being in the moment and body type or style plays little part in my quest for models. What I am really interested in exploring with someone is their personal connection to themselves in deep and profound ways. Someone who is not afraid to touch their soul and be comfortable within those moments. We began to test and adjust lighting and within moments I had all the technical stuff dialed in and we began to work. The light was extraordinary as usual and he instantly settled into himself. His skin glistened and radiated with a sensual glow and reacted to the strobes beautifully. I have never seen anyone settle into a shoot so easily as he did. We worked though several different looks of wardrobe pieces eventually stripping it all away so that his beautiful skin just basque in the glorious light. Every movement revealed even something more remarkable. He was so natural that every frame I shot was a work of art. We shot for about an hour and a half and about 1000 frames. I have not had a chance yet to load them on the computer to see the actual results, I will work on this afternoon, I look forward to it with great anticipation, but know the process of elimination will be extremely difficult for this subject. It’s going to take me a bit longer to work through these images. We have scheduled a review on Thursday and possible new shoot. I was so emotionally connected to him and seeing that beauty I always sought to find within myself at his age. Why was my youth so filled with anger, insecurity and angst? I longed to see that freshness within myself and feel the warmth of being loved and looked at with admiration. The new generation is lucky to live lives with such openness and acceptance of themselves. I was deeply moved by his honestly, exposed vulnerability, and innocence. It was like stepping back within myself, correcting the past, and seeing myself in this remarkable mirror. This is what I thrive for in photography when the moment of collaboration becomes two souls collectively colliding into an extraordinary harmony.

Today is about focus. I am so distracted by shiny things that all becomes distracting to me. I have a lot to do and have set some pretty hefty goals for myself in the upcoming weeks. I have many shoots this week with many jobs to get done. If I do not find the focus I will not be able to achieve what needs to get done. I have turned off the feeds from Facebook, to many shiny images coming across my screen, and am trying to divide my day into tasks. I have been derailed on building a new website because the learning program I originally purchased completely walked me though all the exercises but skipped the basics. When I went to actually build my website, I did not have the basic skills because they had completely provided it within the exercises. So I have begun working through a new training program that is more complete. I have the vision in my head, now I just need the tools and technical part to make it happen. This blog takes a considerable amount of time and sometimes I have difficulty working it all into my schedule. The process of writing does not seem to be the issue so much as finding the image that captures the feeling of my day, posting a full image to Red Bubble, and making all the links. Somehow this has become very technical and though I love the process it begins to bog me down and eats up my day. In the evening I go to a job from 1700 to 2130 at UPS. This pays most of the essential bills, provides insurance and other benefits. I like it a lot, but every evening is a rollercoaster of a ride to solve issues and get done. This leaves my afternoons to just be creative and shoot or work on images. This is the best part of my day and what I look forward to the most because I can escape into the projects I am working on and get lost.

When I first began working in photography I though it would only be about creation and for a long time it was only about creation. But since I have begun to realize there is so much more to it. To become successful and make a living at it, you must constantly work at promoting yourself. I would say a third of my time is devoted to the actual process of creating, a third becomes managing your creation and the other third is promotion of what you create. Sometimes it’s a very difficult task to balance all of the above when all I want to do is create. Then if you have any kind of relationship you must work time into your schedule to make this connection. I think this is why so many artist are alone and do not have relationships. I know Glenn is very patient with me, because I constantly work and it feels like I ignore him because I am so lost in the process, trying to achieve so much. This leaves very little room for other distractions. I have so many young artists asking advice and I say: be true to yourself. Approach everything you do as if it were a masterpiece and connect it through your passion for the subject. Thank god my passion is naked men, makes for an exciting and rewarding experience. The Internet is becoming my greatest tool, giving us the ability to create a community that inspires my images globally tying us all together. We must constantly replenish the well that feeds our creative souls. We must constantly strive to grown from our process and become better at what we do. We have one time to make this happen, and life moves very quickly before us. I know so many friends who are content to spend that valuable time merely in front of the television without ever exploring themselves only dreaming of what they can accomplish. My advice to all is: to reach out and follow your passion. We are all passionate about something; it’s just a matter of recognizing it within ourselves and reaching for our dreams.