So what draws me into a subject? I am not always sure. Today I have a new model coming into the studio to work. We have done a preliminary shoot a week or so back that was mostly testing to see how he would react to the process and how the process will react to him. Whenever possible I love to pre shoot with potential subjects before I actually begin to design a shoot around them. It puts us on a common ground where we can communicate and develop a common vocabulary. They gain a basic understanding of the process and what I am looking for. After I have processed the images we look at them together and they make the connections and adjustments to how I coached them and I can see how they respond to my direction. Most of the time I have a clear vision of what I am looking for in an image with everyone, but this person I have not quite connected with yet. He has beautiful skin and clear eyes and takes direction very well. He seems a bit self-conscience about his body but is willing to take it where I am willing to lead. He has a strong sense of fashion and is drawn to texture. This subject is also interested in creating a modeling portfolio and I think he could pull it off. He is in his early 20’s and his body has not quite developed yet to have a lot of tone and definition. I have not completely connected to this subject yet because he has always brought one of his girlfriends into the initial meeting and the preliminary shoots and seemed very distracted by their presence. When I work with someone in the studio we need to be completely in tune with each other. The space needs to be clear of all distraction to be in complete touch with this subject and discover what I find alluring about them. It is essential that they do not become self-conscience at any time during the process and must be allowed to explore their own identity. I especially find this when I am shooting senior portraits. Often times when parents come with their kids, they do all the talking, thinking their kid is too shy and will not talk. If the subject is not allowed to express themselves it becomes difficult to get a clear idea of who they really are; then they become mirrors of how they are perceived by others. Most everyone eventually opens up and allows you a window into their identity but it’s based on building trust. It is my job then to interpret this identity and translate it into an image that best represents who they are. I tend to be drawn from the inside first and then bring it external. Whereas so many photographers approach their subjects from the external and only look at the surface. Yes they get a good representation of that person, but so many of those images have no life and are devoid of any kind of personality. To me this is a once in a lifetime opportunity to explore who they are. They are only going to be here at this moment only once and we must look to preserve it in the image for an eternity.

Today is my day of thanks to a man named Glenn Berglund. We met thirteen years ago in a shady, semi gay bar in Missoula here called Am Vets. Yes, that does stand for American Veterans in case your were wondering. I was kind of at a crossroads, just getting into photography, not sure where I would want to go with it and was heavily considering a move to Seattle. I was down at this Am-Vets bar one spring night in May, just hanging out having a drink when Glenn first approached me. He wasn’t my type at all and I must admit I was a bit fearful of talking to him, when the first thing he said was that he didn’t drink anymore because he had a couple of DUI’s. I remember thinking wow, this is not someone I want to get involved with at all and got out of there as quick as possible. A couple of nights later I went back and he approached me again. I have to preface this with: I was working on a workshop for a gay men’s retreat about dating I was going off to present in the morning. I had come up with this concept of helping gay men break through their fears of meeting by showing them skills so they could meet and be able to communicate, thus building a grater sense of self-esteem. It seems living in Montana and being gay; one the barriers we have had to overcome is our ability to communicate and date. The process began with making a list of who I was and what I really liked about myself, subjects to begin a conversation on; it’s always best to talk about things you know something about. 2nd make a list of what you want; what realistically are you looking for in someone else. This gives you a motivation to communicate. And finally make a list of what you are willing to compromise on. The more I began to test my theory on Glenn, the more I began to see he was exactly what I was looking for. Though he was the opposite of me and we didn’t have any of the same passions, the core of who we were matched. I have always dated people that were the same as me, thought this is was the way life should be and really didn’t look beyond this. But in the past that never really worked out so well. The previous relationship ended in disaster, because it became too much of a competition, not for me but others and I felt like I was constantly being hijacked and sabotaged which become very painful. So I began to see this guy, Glenn, in a whole new light. We ended up hitting it off and talked for a couple of hours. Finally I had to go, because I had to get up early to go to this retreat. We kissed in the middle of the room and it was almost like the world just stopped. It truly was one of the most magical moments of my life. I gave him my phone number and said I was booked up with projects for the next couple of weeks, because when I got back from the retreat I was stage-managing a show with the actress Andie McDowell and would become consumed with the project and would be done on a Sunday several weeks off. Skip forward a couple of weeks, that Sunday, Glenn calls and asks if I want to go out for something to eat. We met for pizza, our connection was instantaneous again and we have been together ever since.

I have to say this has been one of the most challenging relationships I have ever had. It’s difficult to be with someone who doesn’t really understand who you are or get you most of the time. Glenn ended up quitting his job many years back and going back to school in another city and hasn’t been there for the major events in my life, but we are still the same at the core. We constantly challenge each other and show each other new things; I learned to love football and he musical theatre. He is the practical side of my creativity and seems to always keep me grounded. But most of all he sees me though all my manifestations, moods, insecurities and still allows me to uncompromisingly grow, explore myself, and become uniquely me.

Sunday morning is my favorite time of the week. I spend the morning looking at what everyone else is doing and feel inspired by their works. I love this Internet connection to so many remarkable people. Yesterday Marklin wrote a comment about writing “Love Letters” to the artists who inspire us. It has really got me thinking on the subject and my list would be eternally long. There are so many artists, long dead, that I wish I could have a conversation with. One of my passions is to look at the history of photography and find so many inspirations that have moved it along. I think the single most powerful tool we can gain, as an artist, is to educate ourselves on the history of what we do. How others have approached it and solved issues they faced in their own unique ways. I know Mapplethorpe was an avid collector of other photographers and images. I see his works being influenced by so many different ideas and concepts. I feel this in my own work as well. I never seem to settle on a particular style or concept, it is ever evolving, ever changing, and ever so challenging. Yet there is something uniquely me that comes though. I look outside my own medium and feel inspiration from painting, music, and architecture. But mostly I am inspired and feel lucky to be alive today in this time. To live in a remote place like Montana and to have so many awesome friends who are currently working and creating that I can now talk to directly. People who influence and inspire me to greater ideas and concepts. Thanks to all who follow this project and support me along the way. Today is dedicated to you.

Spring is beginning to break here in Montana and this morning the studio is filled with the most remarkable light. It glows with a warmth that fills my heart and touches me to bottom of my creative soul. This remarkable light only lasts a couple of weeks until the trees begin to leaf and shade the back windows. Today’s pic is of this extraordinary spring light from last year. This is one of my all time favorite images.

The images of Robert Mapplethorpe are what first drew me into photography about 15 years ago. I have vaguely heard the name because he had been in the news regarding controversy over some of his images being pornographic. It stirred the country and ignited a debate that went to court over weather his images were pornographic or just a means of expressing his art. He had received funding from the National Endowment for the Arts, and the right wing republicans, during the Reagan Era, didn’t think those funds should be used for “pornographic art”. The irony of all this is, the image his oppressors shut down his show in Cincinnati for was it contained an innocent picture of a kid named Jesse McBride who was naked in his house. What they were really after and should have been the core of their argument was the graphic nature of some of his earlier images depicting homoerotic situations. He began his photographic expression in the 70’s experimenting with Polaroid snapshots, mostly of himself naked. Eventually moved on to medium format using a manual Hasselblad to create some of the most remarkable images ever created. He become steeped in the history of photography and all it’s various movements and brought photographic design, composition, light and beauty to a whole new level. He photographed celebrities, musicians, artists and famous people the world over. He mostly worked in black and white but eventually turned to color for some of the most extraordinary pictures of flowers. In the end he won the battle over censorship on the McBride photo and the Cincinnati show was allowed to continue. Though this battle was won the right wing republicans were able to severely cut funding for the National Endowments for the Arts and overall killed funding for the Arts in the good ol’ USA from which it has never quite recovered.

What’s even more remarkable to this story is that when Mapplethorpe began, he photographed what he knew: he was a gay man living in New York City during the time of the sexual revolution and captured some of the most graphic images of male relationships and sadomasochistic sexual acts. He is the first man to have photographed his asshole, with a whip hanging out of it as if he were the devil with a long tail. When I first began looking at his images it actually kind of shocked me. A lot of the subject was disturbing, it wasn’t a world I knew and it made be feel a bit uncomfortable to look at. Some of it was just shear erotic bliss, beautiful men with huge “junk”, perfectly balanced with tone, texture, light and design and seduced my senses. I was excited and deeply drawn into his vision of his world. This is one of the reasons I am so deeply drawn to photography become it can be come a complete expression of ones inner identity. He always put “the junk” out there with pride, completely uncompromised. I suddenly knew I had found my calling and began my process of learning photography. Shooting men naked inevitably exposes their “junk”. I try to not make it the focus of my images whereas in porn “the junk” is the focus. I did begin, part of my evolution, shooting men for Internet cruise site profiles and have done my fair share of images exposing “the junk.” Some of them have been erotic and exciting to work on. But as I get older and my photography evolves I am drawn to a greater inspiration. I am now looking back on my life with a fondness toward the beauty of my sensuality. Now I only want to see the extraordinary beauty of that eroticism. I have to say I have become a bit phobic of exposing “the junk” in this project in fear that I will verge on the edge of tasteless. This may sound silly but I have been fearful of what I put into the project and didn’t want to offend any of my followers. OK so if I am going to put myself out there: this is a part of who I am and my process of evolution. It’s time for me to face those fears and expose “the junk”

Today’s image I title “Man With Shinny Buckle” which totally cracks me up. One of my favorite images Mapplethorpe created was titled “Man in a Polyester Suit” which just totally used to make me laugh. Both titles are far from what the image is actually about and this is my tribute to Mapplethorpe. When I saw this guy come into my studio and haul out his “junk, my jaw dropped and I immediately thought of the Mapplethorpe images and know I wanted to work with the idea. Of course being from Montana and dealing with cowboys I had to update it to my world. When we are confronted with “the junk” we each see it from our different prospective and deal with it in our manner. But what’s really important when looking at these images is to confront and recognize, face to face, the reaction it stirs within yourself and then ask why.

I think there is a raw sensuality at the core of all of us. It doesn’t matter if we are 20 or 60, everyone has it. It’s just a matter of seeing and recognizing within our selves and others. Most often it is not apparent on the surface and remains hidden. For some, I as a photographer, can access it more readily than others; but photographers by design are supposed to reveal things that are hidden. I somehow seem to do better at it than others, perhaps because I am searching deep in others to find the truths within myself. When I meet someone there is an instant connection, sometimes even with strangers across a room. In theater I studied Stanislavski’s method of acting: he said, “The eyes are the windows to our souls.” I believe this is true and it is though the eyes the first connection is made. Volumes are spoken about a person within that first few moments, without words ever being uttered. Being gay seemed to make this easier, because when I was younger and the world not so open to your lifestyle, we had to be able to read each other. Many called this gaydar, which always makes me laugh. So many gay men say I don’t have it, I can’t tell if he’s gay or not, may answer is you just don’t pay attention. Gay men seem to have a connection to each other and are drawn like magnets, so it’s simple once the connection is realized. From working in the entertainment industry it is this magnetism that I also recognize in actors great. They have an intensity that immediately connects us to them and draws us in, gay straight, male, female. For me this is the root of that raw sensuality. This is what I try to draw out of my subjects as I meet them and work with them. Others see it in me and are willing to go out on the limb. I am honest and upfront and put meaning into every action and this gains trust.

Many years ago, I was working as a bartender in a popular gay club off DuPont Circle in Washington DC. I had a roommate who was a porn star. I felt like I had gained celebrity status and was recognized and known though out the DC circuit. One night I got caught in a bad neighborhood in a bad part of town. I had been visiting some friends during the afternoon and it got dark and needed to get home. This was such a bad neighborhood that the cabs would not even come into it to pick anyone up. The only place to catch a cab was four streets down on a street better known as prostitution row, lined with hundreds of them. Suddenly one approaches me, a very young woman, our eyes lock and I see the desperation of her soul. She is like a magnate pulling me into her darkness. I wanted to turn away, fearing she may consume me, but remained locked into that stare, fascinated and bewildered. She sees in me the history of who I am, realizes I am gay, have no money to spend on her, turns away and moves on to someone else with the same intensity she approached me. This is probably one of the most intense connections I have ever had with another human being. The exchange lasted but a moment, few words where exchanged but we instantly knew the entire history of each other. That moment has haunted me most of my life. I saw the intensity within myself and it has helped me in dealing with others. It is this intensity I begin to the photo session and the connection you see in my subjects. I always tell models to connect personally with what they are doing, the viewer of the image needs to see your thoughts, connect to them and recognize something within themselves the make the image powerful. If you are thinking of mindless grocery lists, the view doesn’t care and the image becomes void of any context. Not to go on about porn again, but this has become the way of that industry, no one seems to connect with what they are doing. How do they expect me to get excited about it if they are not excited about what they are doing? I think this is why the amateur stuff is becoming so exciting and popular, it’s real again. It is with this intensity that I connect to my own sensuality, realize it in my work, and strive to bring out in others.