Where does one begin a journey into ones self? Do I begin with my work and the sources that have inspired it or do I begin exploring my life, searching for the pivotal moments looking for clues and sources of inspiration? Am I fearful and strong enough to face what may result? There is no certain point from which to leap. My life is at a cross road and it is time to make some decisions. Does this become my search for a new direction? It all begins in darkness as a smattering of light begins to appear. The am beginning to see the images I create are mirrors of my life and all it’s complexity. The overall impression is of serene calm and balance, but what lurks deep within is anxiety, angst, fear, doubt and confusion. All of my images emerge out of darkness; a blackness within myself. The light is the struggle to maintain balance. The male form is desire, past present and what I feel of the future as I struggle to come to terms with my own mortality. I have lived a life lurking within my own shadows. I am drawn to a world and environment of decay, crumbling, distant. I am and have always been disconnected from the rest of the world and have lived within the confines of my own security. For the most part I dislike the world and would rather retreat from it, within myself, feeling like I am ever being pulled into the darkness. This journey is a confrontation of myself. I have created images for a long time but never pulled them out as a collection, to reflect on the secrets they contain. Now at this crossroads it’s a time to examine and reflect and delve into that heart of darkness and face what I have become.

I called this image SHADOWS OF DESIRE. This was an image I created years ago when I was first making the leap to digital. This was my first exploration of merging images. I had a strong desire to create homoerotic art and could see myself within that world. The base image was borrowed from a photographer I idolized and admired called Kingdome 19 and this is my tribute to him.

A life’s worth of work, disorganized and in chaos! I always think I am doing a great job of keeping all these files and images sorted but for some reason the approach and means to organize is always changing. A new system is introduced and suddenly we have to begin anew. Granted I do not keep on top of it all as well as I should or would like. It takes lots of time to catalog and or notate one’s images. Is it really important in the long run if it keep you from your actual process of creation. Time is of the essence here and it is such a precious commodity in an artist’s life. To do this blog and project, it feels like I am always searching for something on the hard drive. This search inevitably takes up a great portion of my day, then I feel bad because I have not been as productive as I could have been and lost most of the day. Today’s project was particularly daunting. I decided I would go though and reorganize my male portfolio by years, embed the year it was produced into the copyright of the image. It feels, with this project I am now beginning to put things out there and perhaps I should become a little more protective of my images. The copyright rules are as such that the person who creates the image, as long as they have proof of it’s originally retains the copyright on the image. Up until now I have never been too concerned with marking my images because I have been in a small area where no one was ever really interested in stealing or using my images. But the Internet is a vast and complex web of so many images and so much materials and uncertainty that some caution is in order. I often wonder if anyone is really interested in my images at all. In this modern area, we just move on to a new site and more images and it all becomes a constant stream of motion and flux. Once we have seen it we rarely go back because there is so much to look at.

I always dread seeing artists that put too much into their watermarks, where it completely goes across the image and you get no sense of what the images is about because you are too distracted by the markings. It can sometimes be a bit of overkill. I have always tried to have securities embedded into the site or use sites that have built in protection so I do not need to use a watermark. But I am told anyone can and will find a way of stealing it if they want it bad enough. My question then becomes about quality of what we are seeing. With images on the Internet are you really seeing the best someone has to offer? I do not really think so, the true test of an image is can it be printed and hung in a gallery to be seen and become archival enough to endure the test of time. We see images of the Mona Lisa on the internet and printed materials but you do not experience the Mona Lisa until you stand before it in the Louvre in Paris and gaze upon the brilliance of it’s artistry. I have always been torn between high resolution for image quality and fear of being stolen or a subliminal blurred blob of pixels that give a vague impression of your intent that cannot be used. In photography it’s hard to find the balance. My advise, find sites you can trust. I put a full resolution copy of my images on Red Bubble because it’s a site that has lots of anti-piracy guard in place and the images look fantastic. One advantage of watermarks is you can see when the images where created and it’s easier to follow the progression of a certain artist’s work. I am mixed here and not really sure if there is any real solution to this issue.

I have began a series of dialogues with various artists from around the world, whose work I respect and admire, to get their perspectives on some of the issues I question myself. Sunday I posed the question: Are we truly born with a gift or is it actually cultivated?

Ehirano is a painter who lives in Mexico. “Our use of light and exploration of shadow is very similar. I have admired the purity of form of style in his work for a long time. He has recently began an on-line magazine called Noisy Rain and is currently hosting the Red Bubble Noisy Rain Magazine Group in which he is creating a collective of male nude artist to showcase their work: “I believe we were born with that thing that makes us choose art in the first place, and the time gives us the tools to develop that need. All in this life needs to be cultivated or otherwise, it simply dies. What has been your experience regarding your evolution as an artist on this issue? I don’t see the art forms as a path of specialization but a simple tool that helps me to express what I want to say and how I want it to say it in that moment. The time has giving me the experience to be more aware of the details. My evolution comes from my “sometimes foolish” need of perfection, but that helps me to always bring out my best, despite the fact the next day I won’t like my work. I was born an artist, but that doesn’t make me an artist, what truly make me an artist is that I never let my need of expression die.”

Ramon Fernandez was originally from the US and went on vacation to Costa Rica 6 years ago and has stayed. He creates the most amazing images with themes of religion and eroticism. His images are dark in tone generally accentuating textures. They are alluring and seductive to look at and study: “To answer your question. I believe the philosophy of nature and nurture. We are born with a gift or without it. It is up to us to cultivate it. Same as in sexuality, I believe we are born with one predisposition and we nurture it. The gift of artistic ability, humanity, sexuality is a life long evolution. We nurture all that is within. We never really change, we just become more fully who we are. This only ends with the end of our life. I am. And who I am is a conglomeration of many things. Man, son, photographer, nurse, helper, travel agent, human, caregiver etc, etc, etc. Strip away all that and who am I? I am. Being a gay male, I am obviously interested in the male form. However, being gay is just a minor part of who I am. I am defined by that only in the sense I am attracted to men. Otherwise I am as normal or abnormal as anyone else. I have always had body image issues. Never really happy with my body. At first the photography was a way to see myself through the eyes of others. It is a boost to my self-esteem. Then I think when I see the comments, especially on this site, about my penis. I feel a bit empty. I want the artwork, not to be only about the nude, but about the textures, emotions, etc. I would like to see less stigma attached to nude male art. Always seems more acceptable for female nudes. But, I believe we are in the era where the male nude is more appreciated and accepted. I am an amateur at photography and I am continually learning. I can already see a progress in my work and will continue nurturing that and allowing it to flower.”

The third artist I wanted to feature is John Douglas from Sydney Australia. John is one of the most influential people in my current life as an emerging artist. His work and images are so prolific in Australia and around the world. Last year I joined a site he created called Man Art: a site for men who create artwork for other men – generally with gay male themes. He is my all time idol and inspiration for beginning the current project: “To answer your question quickly, I think it is combination of both – we are born with certain skills and potentials and then it is up to us whether we work on those – if the potential is small then is down to how much do we/I want to work to get better. At age 8 I decided I would be a painter and since hen have painted always – I think I have no inborn skill at it but I do have a great determination I was born with and have worked hard at improving skills. At art college I was bad at composition and color and so with that insight I concentrated on those and could see I already had some skills acquired with tone. Of course there came a point where I realized I did love where art took me, the insights, and growth, and so see myself always being creative but it all began for me with no talent and a conscious decision I would work at it from 8yo and so I have. I wish I had inborn skills at drawing etc – would make things easier – but so it goes we all work with what we have.”

I myself am rather mixed on this subject. I think it is more growth and cultivation then actual talent. When I began I knew nothing and was born into a ranch family who only knew of the earth and hard work. I had an inkling that I was destine to create, and it has always given me comfort. I think my talents and skills have actually been cultivated and grow with each new experience. I would say my talents are more based on perseverance to discover meaning and identity.

Feeling a bit down and frustrated today. I had two people lined up to work with this week and suddenly they have cancelled. I don’t know if they are feeling intimidated by what I am doing or if everyone is just so busy all the time. Sometimes finding subjects is near impossible and sometimes I can hardly keep up with it all. Right now I desperately need to create something in the studio, if only a portrait. January and February have always been difficult months for photography. I have tried many approaches to finding subjects but for the most part people think I am a bit crazed and do not see the beauty in what I am doing. I had a kid I approached a while back respond with: “I would rather do meth than indulge in fulfilling your deranged fantasies so you can have something to get off on”, well at least it was a response. I actually had to laugh about that one and am still quite amused by it. About half the guys I work with are straight. I have tried advertising in the University newspaper, which yielded a few great subjects and ended up costing more than it was worth. What has become most effective is working the social networking site like gay.com and manhunt. Here everyone seems to expose them selves anyway and you can kind of get a feel for who they are and where they might be willing to go with an image. I have built a profile that says “Light, Beauty, Desire, Art! Classic artist looking to immortalize you in extraordinary imagery. Images in exchange for posing. Any and all body types and shapes.” I have a picture of myself, some examples of my images, and nothing else suggestive. I have a lot of people look at my profile with great comments on the beauty of the work. Occasionally I will connect with someone, then, more often than not, it will take months to actually meet up. More often than not they simply do not show up or postpone it until they are in better shape. Why are we so afraid of looking at our own self-images? To me this is one of the greatest explorations we can have of looking at our selves, or capturing the essence of who we are at this particular stage in our lives. I don’t really think it’s narcissistic but a way of seeing ourselves from a new perspective. Once someone comes in, a bond or connection is instantly made, they love working with me and my approach, feel safe and secure to explore themselves and when they see the final results are blown away by how remarkable they truly are. Most subjects come back for additional shoots, wanting to explore a bit deeper. Often times they post their images on their profiles and suddenly others begin to make the connection, excitement builds, my style becomes recognizable and they seek me out. Recently that connection has been lost and I am having difficulty regaining it. Last summer I got very busy with more commercial work, maintaining the gardens, and working UPS and could barely keep up with everything and had to let this part of my work slip. The people I have been photographing do not show my images in their profiles and the association is lost. Do I need to find a better way to connect with people or do I just need to remain focused? Is this market tapped out for Missoula? Am I too old to be doing this kind of imagery? Have I just become too intimidating because my work has become so classic and recognizable that nobody thinks they are good enough to fit into my style?

Today is Martian Luther King day? A holiday I think the country should behold with more reverence. It is not just about a man with a vision, it is about a struggle in our country to name prejudice, face fear, and become one of the greatest movements of growth for our nation toward finally recognizing us united as a whole for all people. Personally I think it is a far greater holiday than some of the others we have. I am deep in thought this morning about my visit to the Martin Luther King Center in Atlanta. I was on a national tour with a show called The Trip to Bountiful and we had a day off in Atlanta, only two of us were interested in seeing this awesome landmark. As you walk into the center it is divided into sections. The first section deals with hate and how prejudice grows from fear and ignorance. They show a documentary film in which they candidly interview white people off the street about their perceptions of black people. I was utterly shocked and it has haunted me for years since to see such loathing. I remember thinking this can’t possibly be real, nobody can be this dimwitted. I had no idea there was such vehement loathing for another human being. What surprise me even more was that I was a small kid during era and didn’t know anything about it. We were not effected by, or have exposure to such hate in Montana. I had a cousin Seven Michael Hobbs who used to come stay with us each summer from Seattle, he was black, my same age and all was normal. It’s one of the things I love about Montana and keeps me here is how open and down to earth people here seem to be. I have always been accepted as a gay man and have never felt fearful. Today we celebrate a journey in a country without fear and loathing.

I did this image about 10 years ago and it was shot on chrome film (slide film). Oh I miss the beauty of working in film, there was no latitude so you had very little wiggle room for exposure and had to work to set up the image and get it right the first time because you wouldn’t see the actual results for days after, but the result was so deep and rich.

There was a powerful showstopper moment in the musical Hairspray sung brilliantly by Mary Bond Davis that rings though my head this morning:

“There’s a light
In the darkness
Though the night
Is black as my skin
There’s a light
Burning bright
Showing me the way
But I know where I have been

There’s a cry
In the distance
It is a voice
That comes from deep within
There’s a cry
Asking why
I pray the answers up ahead
´Cause I know where I have been

There’s a road
We have been travelin´
Lost so many on the way
But the riches
Will be plenty
Worth the price we
Had to pay”

I Know Where I Have Been lyrics by Scott Wittman and Marc Shaiman